I spoke too soon...

Okay, so I think I am still in my groove,  but the last 5 minutes are overwhelming me.  For those of you who do not have to deal with the deployments, my experience is that its not the big things that send me into panic.  Its a bunch of little things that cause me to feel overwhelmed.

  For example,  juggling everyone's schedule.  Jace's football had a last minute cancellation of tonight's scrimmage.  Not necessarily a big deal--actually cancelling it frees up some time tonight.  However, it was rescheduled for tomorrow--which is the last night of Bible study and we have plans to have dinner with our friends first.  Jace doesn't want to miss it and we've already told his friend he'd be there--so football will be missed.  Add that to the fact that we're skipping football practice Wed. because of an Army Wife Network event that I get to attend.  I'm really looking forward to that day. 

Neither of them are big deals, but when I have Jace miss two practices back to back it makes me feel like a bad parent and I worry Jace is going to miss something because of me. 

So I'm already struggling with that guilt and I get hit up by the FRG for a commitment I'm going to have to do some serious juggling for.  The event is at the same time as Bryce's last day of golf and Jace's first game & pictures.  Stress is added.

The next straw is added when Jace pulls out his homework and there is a math measurement project that was given out today and due on Thursday.  We're gone every night this week!!  Why was this not given to us to do over the weekend?  I'm a little upset about it.  I probably wouldn't be if I wasn't already thinking about football and FRG but now I'm starting to feel a little anxious.  I wrote a somewhat terse note to his teacher about it being turned in Friday because I'm trying not to stress myself out, but its still lurking in the back of my mind.  I should be doing 10 different things right now---sign language homework, getting the kids to watch their video, FRG emails, and now I need to do his homework.  On top of the fact that my boy does not like homework.  He already had a mini meltdown (he quickly got over it) about the fact that he has a spelling list and ABC order homework but there is no spelling test listed on his newsletter.  (another note went in his binder to his teacher).  So the last thing I want to do is fight with him over homework when I'm already overwhelmed.  Plus he needs to make a poster--so I've got to buy poster board and such.  UGH. 

Writing this down is helping me--but my mind is racing so much I think homework is out.  Dinner might be grabbing McDonald's---just so its one less thing to worry about :/ 

I feel like I'm finally getting into the groove.

I am finally getting into the groove of this deployment.  This weekend went great!  I am learning to say no when needed---even if I really want to do something.  I guess its called being a grown up ;) but I've learned that I can't say yes to everything.  

The weekend started with me dress shopping with my partner-in-crime, Vicki, and my daughter.  Vicki's boys joined us but they were so quiet you almost didn't know they were there.   So my idea of dress shopping is not spending all day out and about.  I found my dress in an hour--awesome.  I think I tried on at least 12 dresses and the last one was the winner.  Bryce really wanted me to pick one of the dresses she picked out--and some were okay--but the last one we all agreed on.  I'm not posting it, cause I want it to be a surprise, but its very pretty.  I will post the shoes I got.  Again, Bryce and Vicki helped pick them out, so if I kill myself in them its their fault.  I haven't worn hills this tall since before I was married.

After dress shopping we peaked into Plato's Closet, where I think Vicki and I will be shopping a lot.  What's not to love about saving money?!   We're going to challenge ourselves to see how many outfits we can create there that are similar to the ones we keep pinning on pinterest--since there is no way I can afford the ones on pinterest (1000 for a pair of jean? REALLY?) 

Bryce and I left there to go on a mother- daughter date.  We got our pedicures and chatted.  She even picked the same color as I did--I was pretty impressed.  Here are our pretty toes:

And my beautiful daughter after we were done. 

After that I took Vicki's boys so she could go shopping and then we switched and she took the kids and I went shopping.  As much as I hate that she has to go through a deployment, I am so glad to have somebody to go through this with. 

That was yesterday.  It was a busy day--we were running from 8 in the morning till 10:30 last night.  So today we didn't do anything.  It felt so good to not HAVE to be anywhere.  I let the kids sleep in (and so did I).  The kids were wiped out and didn't get up until after 10.  We didn't have anywhere to be until 5:30 at Jgroup so I was able to finally CLEAN--not just straighten up, but CLEAN.  The whole upstairs has been completely cleaned--including finishing laundry.   The downstairs I started but I'll finish it up tomorrow.  I just can't believe I had so much extra motivation.  Let's hope it stays with me all week.  Now I better get in bed so I can wake up at my normal 5ish. 

Things I'm thankful for today

Okay, so there was no profound moment today ;) so I just wanted to share the little things that I am thankful for today:

1.  That today when I didn't get to talk to Danny, it might have been the first or second time in 45 days I haven't talked to him.  I'm thankful that this has changed from the first deployment when I'd get a call a week, no idea when, and it was only 15 min.  Back then I carried my cell phone with me everywhere and would turn around and go home to get it even if I was already at my destination.  If I missed a call I'd cry and it would ruin my day.

2.  Thankful for Jace's football coach and his willingness to drive Jace when and where ever asked. 

3.  Thankful for friends who have been taking care of me since the deployment. You can't imagine how much it means when you offer to watch my kids, have us over for dinner, invite me to do something fun, or just listen/read my blog and lift me up. 

4.  Thankful that Garmin has been a good dog since Danny left.  He's been left home alone a lot and hasn't freaked out.  He is a good addition to our family.  I can't believe he's almost 2 (in April).  Thats the longest we've ever kept a dog ;)

5.  Thankful that USAA has great customer service and understands the military life.  I called to change insurance--thanks to Dave Ramsey and our emergency fund I felt comfortable raising the deductible to save money.  I also wanted to see if I could take Danny off of the insurance.  USAA did all of that--and taking Danny off the insurance was extremely simple!  He is still covered during his 2 week R&R on the coverage we have now automatically--we don't have to do anything.  When he comes home in a year--they automatically change it back and send me a letter to let me know.  HUGE savings.  AWESOME!

6.  Thankful that DirectTV didn't fight me to have a wrongful charge removed.  I was all prepared for them to fight me on it, but I didn't have to THANK GOODNESS cause I hate having to argue my case.

7.  I got to talk to my Dad and there were some answered prayers!  Always a good thing!!

8.  I was able to have my quiet time with God first thing this morning and it set up my day.

9.  Both kids had a great day at school! 

10.  Okay--so I'm sitting here reaching for something else because  I can't just let it go without a nice round number like 10 ;)  So--I'm thankful that I'm busy (sometimes)--it means I'm loved, I love in return, and I value my relationships above cleaning or other business.  I may be busy, but when I look at it, I am busy with things that make my life better.  Not once have I left at a commitment/event and said I wish I didn't do that. 

Best Intentions

I had the best of intentions to finish my to-do list.  This weekend was really a slow weekend--for us that is ;).  I loved that we had today off, and am kind of dreading a busy week.  Friday, as I posted earlier, was date night with Jace.  Saturday we had golf and then church.  Sunday, church again and a good portion of time to clean.  I didn't intend to have anyone come over, but last minute a couple friends came over for a really low key night.  Again, pretty easy right?  However, my biggest goal for the weekend--to clean.  Did it all get done? Of course not.  Do I regret the time I had chatting with friends and neighbors?  Of course not.

 I do wish that I could find my motivation to clean at night.  But it leaves me at about 6 pm every night. I always say around 2 or 3--right before I have to run to the church for the night, or the kids have some event--that I'll get back to cleaning.  It never happens.  I do better at getting motivated at 5 am than 9pm.  Don't ask me why, 'cause I have no clue. 

I did get the downstairs clean--but I really need to get to my room.  The dust bunnies are having babies and my file pile is out of control. 

This leads me to a conclusion that I've known for a while, but its really hitting home now, Danny spoils me.  I would not be doing half the running I do.  He would do most of the running so I could stay home and focus on cleaning.  Or he'd do the cleaning for me--at least the surface stuff.  I've always been the one who does the deep cleaning.  I think we have a good division of labor when he's home.  When he's gone it takes a while to adjust ;)  

So we're 40+ days into the deployment.  I can't believe it.  Maybe its because I've been so busy.  But I really think it has more to do with the relationship I have with God and Jesus, and all the people with whom God has surround me.  Last deployment was probably the hardest one on me.  I was very overwhelmed, I had a constant weight on my shoulders.  So far in this deployment I'm feeling pretty good.  I have good days and bad days, but overall I'm doing better than any other. 

There was a song at church called Song of Moses that really hit the nail on the head for me.  Part of the lyrics say, "Oh Praise the Lord our Mighty Warrior, Praise the Lord the Glorious One, by his hand we stand in victory, by His name we've overcome."  That's exactly how I feel.  He is my mighty warrior--he faces the hard stuff for me or at least with me.  I do and will stand in victory at the end of this deployment--with HIS help I will manage this house, parent as He's called me to parent, and be the supportive wife that my husband needs me to be while he's deployed.  

Relaxing weekend

So this weekend has been very relaxing so far and hopefully it will stay that way.  Last night I had the opportunity to have a date with my Lil' man Jace.  He wanted to go to Golden Corral and spend his tooth fairy money so that's what we did.  We had a great time and he said Golden Corral is now "our special place." LOL.  After dinner and shopping we came home and watched Cars 2 and some cartoons on the TV.  Very Very relaxing.  Jace is more of a cuddle bug than Bryce and so we got some cuddle time in (although I'm sure if I called it cuddling in front of his friends it would be over).

I got to sleep in till 7 this morning and had a relaxing morning--Jace even made me toaster strudels to go with my coffee.  We got to laze around until about 9:30ish and then had to get ready to get Bryce to golf. 

I learned an important lesson this morning--Golf is not Jace's thing.  We were watching--or supposed to be watching Bryce in her mini tournament and he was having a hard time being quiet and being patient.  I didn't figure we'd make it all the holes, but I did figure he could at least hold out for 3 holes.  Nope.  Bryce was disappointed we weren't staying to watch her play "her favorite hole" and Jace was saying he had to go to the bathroom NOW.  I felt very split (another thing I take for granted about Danny being home--one of us can each take a kid and no one feels split).  At any rate I did take some very bad pics.  I am not good at taking pictures with my iphone and am getting kinda annoyed by it. 

 Bryce's Ball is the one closet to the flag and it was her first stroke for a par 3.  She ended up paring the hole.

Well, I'm going to take this very relaxing day and make it even more so by going to bed early.  I'm hoping I can wake up early to clean--its a long shot but I might be able to do it ;)

Jace lost a tooth

Well actually it was loose and was finally pulled out by the dentist.  We went to get sealant put on his teeth.  Jace, who is 7 and in second grade, has only lost 3 teeth before this--and those were about a year ago!  He was so excited to have his tooth out and have the tooth fairy visit him.  The funny thing is I could have sworn that Danny and I slipped up and told him there wasn't a tooth fairy over 6 months ago.  He has obviously put it out of his mind in the hopes that she comes tonight.  He kept saying over and over how excited to see what the tooth fairy brings him. :D  Here is his cheesy picture after the dentist. 

Learning to Juggle

I remember thinking on Danny's first 4 deployments that everything would be easier if the kids were just a little older.  I take it back.  I have come to realize that in some respects it was easier when the kids were smaller, but in others its much more difficult.  I definitely agree--and lived it--that when the kids were babies and needed me to do everything for them it was draining.  Living through Bryce getting on a schedule with postpartum depression and sleep deprivation was definitely NOT a fun time.  Driving on any trip with them was almost too horrifying to contemplate (although we did a few).  Yep--definitely not an easy time to have Danny gone.  However, the one thing about that time is that there were really no outside commitments (other than work for some of it).  If I needed time to myself, or I felt too busy, I could stay in the house and ignore the rest of the world.  Not so anymore. 

Now, with older kids, they can do everything pretty much by themselves.  I'm not sleep deprived or depressed---but I sure am exhausted.  Juggling everything that we have going on as a family is not an easy task.   I have commitments to serving in church and am a FRG leader--both which require commitments on a regular basis.  I also am taking an ASL (American Sign Language) course through the church--along with the kids.  Bryce has golf twice a week and Jace has football practice about three times a week.   When I write it out here it doesn't seem like much, but I haven't had a free night--let alone weekend--to just veg.  Some nights its only one of the above things, and sometimes I am juggling two or three--in addition to trying to figure out when to grocery shop and clean.   I enjoy every commitment I have and wouldn't quit anything, but sometimes I long for days were I'm not a juggler.  I dream of a week or two without a commitment of any type--where I can lock myself and the kids in the house and just catch up on what needs to get done.  I keep praying for a snow day ( I know its a long shot LOL) to keep us locked inside cuddled up watching a movie. 

I keep telling myself its just for a season.  My house will be clean again someday--maybe during spring break ;)   I might get to that pile of mending and quilting I have.  The filing will eventually make it from the pile into the folder.  Eventually I will get to it all. 

On a side note--my little man Jace made a comment the other day that I just have to share.  It reminded me so much of what my younger brother was like with me that I just had to smile.  The other day Jace and Bryce were in the back seat (on the way to one of our commitments) and talking about kids picking on people--and Jace gets all defensive and says--"you tell them that if they pick on you or Cody (another girl in the neighborhood) that I'll come find them"  It was such a sweet thing and made my week. 

Overwhelmed for a moment

Okay--so I haven't blogged for about a week.  We have been on the go every day....and today we just added football.  :/  I keep telling myself that its only for a season of our life--that eventually things will slow down, but they keep getting faster!  I am looking forward to spring break and doing absolutely nothing.  I might stay in my pajamas the whole week.  Okay--so I might clean and go one or two places, but mostly I just want to relax. 

So yesterday I had a moment--maybe even a momentary mini breakdown-when I found out which coach Jace had for football.  Was it really break down worthy?  No, of course not, but at the moment, and even now, I get that anxious feeling in my chest.  I even started bawling while talking to Danny on video chat on facebook.  I was so looking forward too, and assumed that, our coach for the last two seasons would be able to get us, that when I found out we weren't on his team I felt betrayed by the coach and overwhelmed at what having a new team/new coach would mean.  At least I knew a mom or two on the old team to be able to ask with help car pooling.  I was also looking forward to Jace having a man he knew--to be a good male role model while Danny is gone.  Fortunately, his new coach called me and after our first practice today I think it will be a good fit.  It eases some of the worry, but I am still feeling a little betrayed that the old coach didn't try to keep Jace. 

Circus!

Okay, really--what kinda circus doesn't have any tigers and only one clown?  Don't get me wrong it was enjoyable--but when the kids (and you) would like to see tigers and they don't show them its a little disappointing.  I loved watching the kids' faces as the circus started--they were completely enthralled with the show.  Here is a picture of us at intermission. 

Here is one deployment issue that happens a lot with us...How much can I do with the kids while Danny is gone?  He would never tell me "no" to doing something without him, but I want him to experience these things also.  The circus was one of those things.  This is the kids' first time going to the circus and I hated that Danny missed it.  On the other hand,  I can't keep the kids in a bubble for the year.  So, we went.  But other things I refuse to do without him.  Seaworld, Disney, Universal Studios---all things that will wait till Danny comes back.  The zoo or other small trips--we might make happen--with lots of pictures :D 

Bryce--her worries and her testing of me

Yes! I feel like I'm getting caught up.  Well, not completely, but I have gotten quite a bit done the last three days.  I did our budget, finally got to the commissary, caught up on some of the emails I needed to send for both the FRG and for JourneyLand (children's ministry at church).  This week I feel renewed and full of purpose.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have gotten back into the habit of making my prayer time in the morning a priority again.  I had gotten away from it because I was too exhausted or busy to do it.  So now I'm getting up before 5 to make sure I can get the praying and studying done.  If I'm working out I get up at 4 :/  Right now I'm so tired I'm not sure I'll finish this blog coherently ;) (side note-- I had to stop and finish this the next morning!)

The biggest thing in the last couple days have to do more with Bryce.  The first thing that I want to share is out of the blue Bryce is talking about missing Daddy.  Then she says something like, " I hope you don't get a divorce.  I again told her that there wasn't anything to worry about and she said, "What if he finds a new woman over there? It happens."  I wonder where she's getting this from.  I explained...again..that our commitment is stronger than that.  I explained that a marriage--our marriage--isn't just a commitment to each other, but to God as well.  I told her that Daddy and I take that seriously. 

This conversation along with some of our other conversations about boys she has a crush on keep bringing it home how intentional I have to be in raising Godly kids.   If I want the kids to value purity and marriage than I need to start NOW.   I need to take every opportunity to tell them what God says about sex and marriage, because TV and our culture aren't waiting and aren't afraid to tell them what they think sex and marriage should be.  

On a different topic, the kids are testing their boundaries lately.  Bryce has done a great job of having a better attitude this week.  But last night she really thought I was going to cave and let her have her way.  I went grocery shopping (yes on the 1st and at the commissary and survived) and Jace conned me into buying some ice cream.  So for a bedtime snack they knew they could have a scoop of ice cream.  Well, at dinner Bryce's stomach hurt and she couldn't finish eating.  I told her very simply that it was fine if she didn't finish but that she wouldn't get a bedtime snack.  She didn't seem to have a problem with it.  "Ok Mom," was the only comment I got--because she thought I'd cave at bedtime.  I called Jace down for his bedtime snack and Bryce come's down to "watch" and is looking all deprived.  I told her sorry--your stomach hurts and ice cream wouldn't make it feel better.  So she runs up to her room crying.  She comes back down 2 minutes later to wait for Jace.  I tell her again that she's not getting ice cream, give her a hug and kiss goodnight, and she runs back upstairs and cries herself to sleep.  

Me being the only parent here is hard on them.  When Danny is home he is the disciplinarian, not I.  I mean I do discipline, but I can be the softer, gentler, nicer mom.  If there is someone to lay down the law about bedtime snacks it was usually Danny.  So, to have me in that role now is hard for them.  I expected the pushing.  I'm just happy I could stay calm and continue to stay strong ;) 

Well, enough for yesterday/this morning.  Tonight we are going to the circus!  I can't wait.  I hope to have pics and some fun stories to share :)